Armie Hammer, the former Social Network star and Hollywood’s most infamous (non-practicing) cannibal, is back with some big life updates ahead of his 38th birthday. Grab your popcorn—no human flesh, though, please—and buckle up for the ride!
After spending years in the tropical paradise of the Cayman Islands, likely because Who wouldn’t flee to a tax haven after… you know… allegations of cannibalism?, Armie has made the brave decision to return to the land of overpriced lattes and soul-crushing traffic. Yes, he’s moving back to Los Angeles!
But wait, there’s more: the real tragedy here isn’t just the accusations or the tabloid frenzy—no, it’s that poor Armie has to sell his beloved truck. And not just because it’s a gas-guzzling beast that likely inhales fossil fuels at an alarming rate, but because he simply can’t afford the gas. Yes, in this economy, even Armie Hammer is feeling the pinch at the pump.
In a video straight from a CarMax parking lot (because where else would a former A-list star film their life update?), Armie dropped the bombshell news that his truck—his prized, gas-slurping monster—is being sent off into the sunset. And no, this isn’t a weird CarMax ad, although if you watch the video, you might suspect that he’s angling for some kind of spokesperson deal.
Armie, in what can only be described as a *deeply emotional conversation with a vehicle*, reminisced about all the epic road trips they shared. He lovingly recounted how the truck brought his kids home from the hospital, almost like it was a family member—*except, you know, with more horsepower*. But alas, like all good things, this love affair had to end.
“I’ve put like $400 or $500 worth of gas in it since I’ve been back in L.A.,” Armie confessed, probably blinking back tears. Gas station attendants are apparently charging Armie Hammer luxury prices just to make him feel special.
But fear not, because Armie has found himself a new ride! It’s tiny. It’s hybrid. It’s—wait for it—economically sensible! Armie Hammer: Truck-Slayer, Gas Saver. He’s now going to be zipping around Los Angeles, smugly putting $10 of gas in his Prius or whatever, while the rest of us are still trying to figure out how to afford guac at Chipotle.
And just when you thought this tale couldn’t get more heartwarming, Armie gave a touching farewell to his truck, thanking it for being his trusty sidekick. Cue Pixar movie about a sentient truck who dreams of one last road trip with its human buddy.
He wrapped up the emotional saga with a nugget of wisdom that only a man who’s had to trade a luxury truck for a hybrid could deliver: “Parking will be easier, and gas will be cheaper.” That is the wisdom of a man starting fresh in the land of second chances—or at least cheaper gas stations.
Happy almost birthday, Armie! Here’s to tiny cars, hybrid dreams, and hopefully avoiding any more scandals involving dietary preferences.