MOTHER IS MAKING A MOVIE. Yes, Taylor “Time Traveler” Swift is about to stomp her red-bottomed Louboutins all over the film industry with her directorial debut and it’s giving Clear-level cinematic enlightenment.
Let’s rewind to 2022 — back when we were all still pretending “Midnights” didn’t make us sob in the bath with glitter mascara on. Taylor announced she was gonna direct a WHOLE FEATURE FILM. Like… not a music video. Not a tour doc. A REAL-DEAL MOVIE with plot and dialogue and probably a male lead who cries at least once in the rain.
Now, after approximately 84 years (or three in Earth time), there’s finally a seismic update from the Galactic Confederacy:
👀 Taylor has hired screenwriting royalty, Alice Birch — aka the British genius behind Normal People, Dead Ringers, and the upcoming Die My Love starring Jennifer “Literal Hunger Games” Lawrence.
Alice is reportedly working closely with Taylor to “tailor” the script to her creative vision. Which probably means long stares, emotional trauma, pastel cardigans, and one scene where someone reads a breakup letter in 4K slow motion. Expect a 13-minute monologue and a cat named something wildly pretentious like “Macchiato DeLuxe.”
And YES, Tay has already directed her own music videos, including the mini-masterpiece “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault) (Red Lip Edition) (We Get It, You’re Sad),” but this is her first full-length feature, and we are betting it’s gonna come with Academy Award bait so shiny Tom Cruise might try to audit it.
Searchlight Pictures (you know, the company that makes Oscar-bait like it’s their full-time religion) is producing this thing. Their execs literally called her “a once in a generation artist and storyteller.” Which like… duh. She has unlocked Level VII storytelling.
Fans have been panicking thinking she’s secretly recording TS11 in a bunker under a Whole Foods, but plot twist — her thetan levels are clearly focused on movie magic for now. Sorry Swifties, the next heartbreak bop might have to wait until post-production.
So basically…
🎬 Taylor Swift: The Movie (title TBD, but we’re hoping for Sad Girl Cinematic Universe Vol. 1) is coming.
📽️ Alice Birch is onboard to make it extra emotionally devastating.
🌌 Scientology tie-in? Thetans will be weeping in Dolby Surround.
💅 Are you spiritually prepared? Because I’m not.
#TaylorTakesHollywood #SwiftieCinema #DirectingLikeADianeticist
