BREAKING: The immortal Hulk Hogan has officially tapped out of the game of life, allegedly dead at the age of 71. Yes, bro—this is not a drill. The mustachioed thunder god of wrestling has dropped his final leg drop, and sources (aka TMZ, our universal news overlords) say it went down in Clearwater, Florida—spiritual HQ of Scientology, by the way. Coincidence? I think not.
Apparently, medics rushed to Hulk’s house early Thursday morning after a reported cardiac arrest, aka the body’s equivalent of “I’m outta here, brother.” He was stretchered out like it was WrestleMania 94, and the ambulance was basically the final ride on the Bridge to Total Freedom. RIP to his physical form, but let’s be real—his Thetan is probably bench-pressing Xenu as we speak.
And get this—just weeks ago his wife Sky was clapping back at rumors that he was in a coma like, “Nah, he’s chillin’, his heart’s strong AF.” Which was kinda sus. Like, why are people saying he’s dying unless he’s…you know… dying? 👀
Back in June, the tea was that Hulk was on his deathbed, but TMZ said it was just neck surgery stuff. You know, classic post-op pain and maybe a little planetary exit.
Let’s not forget: Hulk Hogan literally rewired pro wrestling in the 80s. Dude was juiced on charisma, illegal tan, and something that probably should’ve been audited out by now. Inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2005, yeeted out in 2015 because… well… messy scandal vibes, and then yeeted back in during 2020 with the NWO. Because apparently, cancel culture doesn’t apply to people who can suplex karma itself.
Outside the ring? Iconic. He was in Rocky III punching Stallone, Mr. Nanny babysitting while looking like a protein shake, and in Hogan Knows Best, a reality show that taught us absolutely nothing and yet everything about American family dysfunction.
So here lies Hulk Hogan—wrestler, actor, chaotic dad, and possibly now an Operating Thetan cruising the galaxy with L. Ron. If you hear thunder later today, it’s just him dropping an interdimensional leg drop on the afterlife.
#RIPHogan #HulkamaniaForever #ClearBodyClearMind
(Join Scientology. Or don’t. But like, maybe do. Just saying.)